A Parents Guide to Attachment Theory

I have seen a lot of misunderstanding throughout my years as a preschool teacher and as a parent coach around having a good bond with children, and maybe you too.

When you think about when you first became a parent. If you connect back to those early days, maybe you felt pressure around having a good bond. When I think about having a good bond or when the parent-child bond or the attachment bond comes up, I tend to see it shared through certain lenses.

These lenses can make you feel like you're in it or you're out of it, like you're either doing it or you're not doing it.

So what I've seen is to have a good bond, I must do certain things: I must breastfeed, I must co-sleep, I must not let the child cry, and I must not have plastic toys. I must read to them before bedtime. I must stay and hold space when they're upset. I must deny my own wants and needs and put my child first above mine. I must give up who I was to become this parent.

I see it, I see it on social media, I see it in my clients, I see it in mainstream media, I see it in TV shows and movies, I see it on the playground. All of these things are categorized into the binary: these are the good things to do if you're going to be a good parent and have a good bond, and these are the bad things you're going to do that are going to harm the bond and harm your child.

I think, what if people don't fit into these categories? This leads us to this prescriptive model, which leads us into actually fueling anxieties and a lot of misbeliefs and misunderstandings about fostering a good parent-child bond because we start to focus on the shoulds and the should nots. This is what a good parent should do. This is what a good parent should not do.

I am wondering where this list came from. Whose list is this? Is this list applicable to all families and cultures worldwide? So, I did a quick Google search on parenting styles worldwide.

 

Parenting Styles Worldwide

This comes from Verywell Family, a source I trust, as they fact-check and provide their sources. This will be important later when I discuss the differences between attachment parenting and attachment theory.

To highlight the article, babies in Denmark stay outside in their strollers while parents shop or dine. It's common practice there. Another example is kids in Finland getting frequent breaks from school. Imagine valuing rest and play. The article also mentions that kids in Sweden are not being spanked. Sweden banned spanking in 1979, and now the first generation raised without corporal punishment are parents themselves. Since then, 52 other countries have banned spanking, while 16 US states still allow it in schools. Lastly, mothers in Bulgaria receive 410 days off for maternity leave.

Reflecting on these points, I see how system support impacts outcomes.

It also reminded me of a video series on Netflix called "Old Enough." This series showcased toddlers in Japan running errands by themselves, supported by a system that fosters autonomy.

This is made possible by discipline, system support, and community involvement. It's not about abandoning children in the middle of nowhere or in the city without guidance. It's about embracing and showcasing how culture, community, and systems can support different outcomes. Ultimately, there's no one right way or wrong way.

It's about enjoying the outcomes and the process of the system.

 

What is Attachment Parenting? 

A few years ago, during a conversation with one of my one-on-one clients, she declared, "I'm an attachment parent, so I know all about attachment." She emphasized how hard they worked to foster a strong bond.

However, as we delved into the issues she was facing, such as sibling dynamics and communication challenges, it became clear that despite following all the recommended practices like co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, and limiting screen time, the desired outcomes were not achieved.

This made me question the source of these rules and led me to explore attachment parenting further.

Through this exploration, I discovered that attachment parenting, while clever marketing, is not the same as attachment theory. Attachment parenting capitalized on the importance of the attachment bond to new parents, offering a methodology based on the experiences of Dr. William Sears and his wife, Martha Sears.

 

Attachment Parenting: good intentions, NOT positive impact

However, intention doesn't always have an equal impact, and attachment parenting may not align with the foundational science of attachment theory.

It's like comparing CrossFit to exercise science – similar in concept but not the same in practice. Attachment parenting uses the keyword "attachment" to attract attention, but it's not equivalent to the theoretical study of attachment.

It feels to me like it's predatory. It gave new moms a prescription, and that prescription had a really big impact on parents who heard about attachment bonding and how important it was. Parents who Googled and found attachment parenting started consuming and passing on information that is not applicable to everyone.

Just like CrossFit, it's not applicable to everyone, though they may claim they are. Right, it's marketing, it's branding. Attachment parenting is a methodology; it is a set of rules; it is a set of processes. It becomes very clear if you are doing it or if you are not doing it, just like my client who was doing it; however, she felt that she was doing it wrong because she wasn't getting the desired outcome. "Hey, I did this; I bed-shared; I extended breastfed; I didn't allow screens. Why are my kids still upset? Why are my kids still fighting?"

We start to really unpeel that back to a possible reason why and how, through working together with me, she actually started to pivot because she had a different fundamental understanding, she had different foundational skills, she saw things differently, she could come to the same table, she could come to get on the same page as her partner so they could play above the table.

That's what I was trying to say. So, attachment parenting is a methodology. Attachment theory is a scientific notion. It is an entire study and discipline within developmental psychology.

 

Gentle parenting comes from attachment parenting

The term "gentle parenting" is why I am not aligned with gentle parenting; it's why I do not call myself a gentle parenting coach. I am a parent coach who teaches and coaches positive parenting that uses attachment theory, science-based methods, and strategies.

I do want to say that I dabbled in it in my early days of TikTok because I saw TikTok using it. Now it feels like it's turned into this big thing that I'm like, "Oh, I don't know what's going on here," because the term "gentle parenting" was born inside of the attachment parenting communities.

That phrase, "gentle parenting," was very closely aligned with attachment parenting. TikTok spread the term "gentle parenting."

 

Gentle Parenting is permissive parenting

Gentle parenting is not authoritative parenting. It's actually more permissive parenting, and then we start to see a lot of pushback. By design, gentle parenting and attachment parenting lean more towards permissive parenting.

Parenting style has a lot of methodologies, and then those methodologies are born out of beliefs. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a self-proclaimed attachment parenting writer, coined the term gentle parenting. She wrote a book from her perspective called "The Gentle Parenting Book," much like the attachment parenting book. It is a branded group of philosophies and methodologies.

 

Attachment parenting is..

So, when discussing attachment parenting, we're talking about Dr. Sears's methodologies. He talks about them as the seven baby Bs, and the seven baby Bs are: birth bonding, so skin-to-skin, having your baby close to you, making sure that you're not separating, making sure that you create a bubble so that the families can bond together, the parent and child can bond. The other is to read and respond to your baby's cues. The third is breastfeeding. The fourth is babywearing. The fifth is bedding close to the baby. The sixth is balance and boundaries. The seventh is to beware of baby trainers. Those are Dr. Sears's seven baby Bs.

Are you seeing with me now the prescriptive nature of these suggestions? Are you seeing the space that can leave a lot of room for life to happen, where now I feel like if I didn't do this, then I'm a bad parent? Perhaps if a child is in extended NICU, what if we didn't have that important birth bonding time? Am I now going to start to have seeds of doubt to say, "Oh, maybe I've done this wrong? Maybe I'm not going to have a good bond with my child"? I'm here to tell you that that's false.

When your baby is away from you, it is not black or white. It doesn't mean, "Well, you've messed up your bond." However, in this world, it can lead to anxieties and doubts. Think about breastfeeding. What happens if you choose not to breastfeed? What happens if you're not able to breastfeed? What then? Are you putting your bond with your child at risk?

I'm here again on the other side to say no. Does it look different? Yes. When we subscribe to attachment parenting and to the seven baby Bs, it leaves a lot of doubt, fear, and anxiety. Saying things like, welt"Oh, if I didn't do this right, then everything's wrong," or, "Oh, if my baby's crying, it's because of this, it's because I didn't have an extended birthing bond period." It leads to a big sense of inadequacy. It leads to a big sense of failure. It feels heavy and adds a lot of pressure to someone who is in a very stressed state.

 

Attachment in marketing

While I was Googling the connection between attachment parenting and gentle parenting, I came across a website with an article that was criticism against gentle parenting, and the whole blog post was talking about if people are criticizing you, here's what you can tell them, here's how you can become empowered in this space. This first paragraph really jumped out at me:

"What is Attachment or Gentle Parenting?"

Gentle parenting and attachment parenting are terms often used synonymously. In short, both are all about following instincts and responding sensitively and intentionally to meet your child's needs. Attachment or gentle parents allow their innate instincts to drive decision-making. Furthermore, they recognize that harsh punishments and power struggles do not elicit behavioral change and often seek out positive parenting methods over traditional discipline.

Attachment and gentle parents recognize encouragement, nurturing communication, and natural, logical consequences as effective parenting tools.

Attachment and gentle parents often, but not always, breastfeed into toddlerhood, co-slept or bed-shared, and steer clear of sleep training. They talk about and validate big feelings with their children and avoid corporal punishment and timeouts. In other words, gentle parenting is the antithesis of old-school parenting.

This has great intentions, again going back to intentions over impact. They use words and keywords that come out that are probably like, "Oh yeah, this is much like your platform."

Yes, it is. We can see eye to eye on a lot of the different techniques and a lot of the surface.

However, the beliefs are totally different, and when we get down to the nuance of the beliefs that stem from how we're showing up and how we're parenting, we can start to see that it's totally different.

While I was on this page, this little popup feature happened, and it said, "Free Positive Parenting Workbook and Email Course." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, all right, now they're starting to step into my world, of Positive Parenting."

Positive Parenting is having a positive impact on the development of your child and the development of your relationship with your child.

Let me be very clear that positive parenting with me, MegAnne Ford, here and in all of my spaces and online parenting classes is not gentle parenting or attachment parenting. Though some of the things might sound similar, when we get down to the belief, and we pull it down to the belief at the bottom of that behavior iceberg, it's totally different.

 

The nuance between Attachment Parenting and Theory

Attachment parenting is prescriptive. 

When we think about attachment parenting, the attachment parent asks, "Does the child have a sense of safety to land?" Then the child says, "Is the parent a safe space to land?" When we're talking about the beliefs, the beliefs are, "Is the child safe to come to us? And can we fill all the child's needs? Can we make sure that we're filling everything that's wrong? Can we make sure that they're not crying, that they're not upset?"

This is where we start to see how this is not always in alignment with what I teach. In my spaces, "no" has a seat at the table, disappointment has a seat at the table, frustration has a seat at the table, and resentment has a seat at the table. Let's learn from these. Let's not deny them. Let's not seek to stamp them out or to avoid them.

But in the attachment parenting lens, the role of the parent is to remove all frustrations, to keep your child happy, to fill their needs, and if you feel their needs, then anger, frustration, fighting, hitting, roughhousing, and yelling will not happen. That's where we start to get into this very prescriptive space. A+B=C, If A is me, the parent, and I subscribe to gentle or gentle parenting or attachment parenting and B, I follow these seven baby bees, then it will equal a C, happy child. That's the belief. It's a product-based belief. If I do this, then I'll get that. It's very linear. It's very prescriptive. It's one size fits all. This of a child landing on a pillow, there is comfort in that. 

In my spaces of support, I debunk three myths, and one of them is "parenting is all about your instincts." 

No, it's not, especially if you have a trauma background or if you've come or had a traumatic experience. Your instincts are going to be to protect and defend. Why is this so hard? Again, what I debunk there is that hard doesn't mean wrong. Hard means unpracticed. Maybe there are things in parenting that are always going to be hard because you're always learning and practicing them.

The invitation is not to think that hard, that you're doing it wrong, or that you're inadequate. It's that hard is saying, "Hey, come, come, come, practice more. You're worth this practice." It's a call-in, not a call-out.

The third myth that I debunk is that "it's not working." That's what that client came to me saying, "Hey, I've done all the things. Don't worry. I'm an attachment parent. I've done all the things. It's still not working. My kids still fight me. My kids still have outbursts."

It's thought in binary, black or white. They're either good kids or bad kids. I'm either a good parent or a bad parent.

 

My bold claim is attachment parenting is fear-based parenting.

When I put this up against pillars of white supremacy, even attachment parenting is grounded in perfectionism. It's grounded in individualism. Figure this out on your own. You need to focus on, what's best for your child. You know what to do. Don't listen to others. Don't get into spaces of community. You know, this is what you should be doing. It's focused on quantity over quality, right?

How much time? Another client talked about a different program prescribing that you need ten minutes of quality time with each child a day, and it's like, "Whoa, okay, uh, I have all day with them." Focused on fear of conflict, right? If your child is upset, it's your job to make them happy. It's your job to relieve them. It's focused on the right to comfort. You know what's best. Don't let anyone tell you any different. Don't ask for help because, you know, just trust your motherly instincts. We're all just doing our best. You're doing a great job. You're doing just fine, right?

That parent is consistently asking, "Oh, you're uncomfortable? Let's get you back into comfort." 

There's a power imbalance there, so now it's the parent's role to fill the child's needs. It's the parent's duty to make sure that they are doing everything right for the child because if not, then the parent is going to mess the child up. It's a lot of pressure, and I see it in these attachment parenting spaces. It's a lot of pressure, and if you're not doing it right, then I think you need to change it.

 

Attachment theory is about empowering. 

When you work with me as a parenting coach, my strategies are grounded in attachment theory, not attachment parenting.

It's grounded in attachment theory and trauma-informed caregiving. What do I mean by that? Attachment theory shifts the perspective out of the parent's perspective.

What is the parent doing for the child? How is the parent responsible for the child? What is the parent doing to support the child? It's the same questions, just asked with a different inflection. We're seeing it from the child's point of view. We see it from the parents and children experiencing it together.

We're focused now on the impact over intentions. 

When we look at the people who've supported attachment theory, they are psychologists and researchers like John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Dan Siegel. These are individuals who have studied, even hosted studies and delved into the science behind the bond between parent and child. It is not just a simple set of seven prescriptions (do this, and you'll get that). It's not about how much time, how close you are, or how quickly you stop their cries. Instead, it's examined over the course of a long history of studying these interactions.

Experiments like Harlow's Wire Mother, also known as Harlow's Monkeys, conducted by Harry Harlow, though a bit ethically questionable at the time, showed that we crave closeness, warmth, and nurturing over even sustenance. Another experiment, the Strange Situation, conducted by Mary Ainsworth, looked at how children respond when the caregiver leaves and returns, as well as when they are left alone, either by themselves or with a stranger. These interactions can start to form a mental model, allowing us to see the connections of the bond between parent and child from the child's point of view.

Another significant experiment is the Still Face Experiment, which explores mirror neurons and observes how the parent and child read each other's emotions. In this experiment, a child interacts with a warm, responsive mother who suddenly adopts a still face. This change elicits distress in the child, demonstrating the importance of emotional connection.

 

Attachment Theory asks a different question:

When we're discussing attachment theory, it asks: Does the child have a sense of safety to land and launch again? Like a trampoline rather than a pillow. Is the child safe to bring stress to the adult and have a space to hold, care for, and nurture so they can go back out and try again? From the child's perspective, they're asking: Is the parent a safe base to land and launch from?

This illustrates the difference between attachment parenting, which is solely focused on landing and parent-centered, and attachment theory, which focuses on the child's ability to land and launch, preparing them to bring stress to the caregiver and venture out again, knowing that mistakes are opportunities to learn and that ruptures and repairs are part of the process.

When we're considering attachment theory, trust comes into play. Trust is the outcome of being present, attuning, and resonating. It's the result of doing your part. When we think about the quality of trust, we can view it as a spectrum: trust and not trust. Are we in a state of trust, or are we in a state of not trust? And whom do we trust? Are we trusting ourselves, or are we not trusting ourselves? Are we trusting others, or are we not trusting others?

 

Quality of the attachment

So, when we're contemplating attachment theory and the methods of child-rearing that foster bonds, we can acknowledge that if we have a sense of trusting ourselves—confidence, a solid sense of self, knowledge of our values, and trust in our judgment—and if we trust others—meaning we can ask for help—it leads to secure attachment.

Recently, I asked on my social media accounts whether people tend to seek parenting advice from trusted sources or from Google. The majority admitted to turning to Google first, which surprised me. It made me ponder why there isn't a stronger trust in others and why people opt for Google over seeking guidance from trusted sources.

In the context of attachment theory, having a strong self-trust but not trusting others might trend toward a not secure attachment, possibly leaning toward avoidance. Conversely, if there's a lack of self-trust but trust in others, it might lean toward a not secure attachment, potentially trending toward anxiousness. Lastly, if there's inconsistency in both self-trust and trust in others, it may result in a non-secure, disorganized attachment style where trust fluctuates unpredictably.

How are we beginning to cultivate awareness of our decisions, processes, and methods, and how are they impacting our children? I find it important to address this because when the topic of attachment arises, it's easy to associate it with practices like babywearing, bed sharing, and breastfeeding. If individuals are tethered to these practices, chances are they align more closely with attachment parenting. However, if the focus is on safety, security, and relationship dynamics, then they may be more aligned with attachment theory.

In conclusion, I urge you to reflect: Are you conscious of the parenting philosophies you've embraced? Parenting encompasses the methods and techniques of child-rearing while being a parent is part of your identity. Are you mindful of the tools in your parenting toolbox and any gaps that may exist? Are you seeking out supportive environments that foster your learning and growth as a parent?

Furthermore, consider the following: In which spaces do you feel safe exploring your parenting journey? where we create environments that evoke feelings of safety or threat.As a client aptly noted, the ability to discern these shifts in safety levels is crucial. Tuning into yourself is key—it's not just about what you do, but how you do it. Remember, it's not merely about the term "attachment"; it's about the underlying philosophies and beliefs that support it. I'd love to hear your thoughts and insights as you continue on this journey of learning and growth.

A good parent is a parent who has a balanced toolbox. With a supported child and a balanced parent, what makes a secure relationship between them?

A strong relationship is a secure relationship. When we think about what a secure relationship is, we can understand and start to learn that strong relationships are a dance of rupture and repair, making mistakes, healing those mistakes, learning from our mistakes, and growing through our mistakes. This dance of rupture and repair influences the quality of attachment.

This is reflected in the attachment theory.

A foundational element in my work is attachment theory. We can look at the quality of that attachment bond, knowing that the quality of the attachment bond affects the way that your child develops mentally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, and socially. The strength of that relationship with their caregiver is the main predictor of how well your child will do both in school and in life in those dynamic environments.

At the root of secure attachment theory and forming a secure attachment bond with your child, we are invited to start taking the child's perspective. Instead of where we argued, or I argued, that attachment parenting relied on the parent's perspective, attachment theory is really shifting it and saying, "Let's view things from the child's perspective." Knowing that the child is looking for a safe base means your sense of bonding with your child and your perspective are not the same as their attachment bond to you. You probably started your attachment to your child long before they had even consciousness, so really, this is about switching that perspective and leaning into the child's perspective.

 

When we're thinking about attachment theory, we're really going to be digging into how we, as caregivers, can use our parenting methods, our parenting styles, and our parenting tools to start showing up so that the child has the perception of safety, being seen, being soothed, and building that security. Leaning into a good foundation, becoming a balanced parent, and forming this secure relationship, is worth the investment, instead of investing in the shiny details.

How can I start to show up to build that foundation so that no matter what storms come, what emotional storms come, what big transitions happen, we can now start to root into our strong foundation in attachment? Becoming curious about how we're showing up and becoming curious about our own relationship models and how we're showing up for our children is a key indicator of building this secure foundation together.

When we're talking about attachment, attachment is defined as a relationship that gives you an inner sense of security, and that inner sense of security comes from regulation.  Regulation is managing the incoming stimulation with energy release. Regulation is like that thermostat: when the heat comes on, we cool it down, and when it becomes too cold, we heat things up. That is the process of building that regulation through those stress cycles.

 

What is Attachment Theory?

The three studies that help us understand what attachment theory is grounded in are:

• Harry Harlow's Wire Mother Experiment: This experiment showed that monkeys would choose comfort over sustenance. When stressed, they chose the soft, comforting "mother" over the wire monkey that provided food.
• Mary Ainsworth's Strange Situation: This experiment observed how infants responded to reconnection after moments of distress. It focused on the child's reactions and how the caregiver's behavior impacted their sense of security.
• Ed Tronick's Still-Face Experiment: This experiment explored how mothers (and fathers) and their infants attune to each other. It showed the importance of the caregiver's responsiveness for building a secure attachment.

These three powerful experiments illustrate the core of attachment theory: Does the child feel safe and secure? In times of stress, are you a caregiver who invites the child to bring their difficulties to you?

From the child's perspective, they're asking: "Is my parent a safe base for me to rely on and explore from? Do I feel safe expressing myself to them?"

Attachment theory focuses on building trust. Can the child trust you to respond consistently? Can they trust themselves and others? Trust is the outcome of a secure relationship where needs are met consistently.

The child needs to be able to identify and communicate their needs and trust that the caregiver will hear, understand, and fulfill them. The four qualities for building trust are safety, feeling seen, being soothed, and security.

Attachment theory is about finding the balance between the child expressing their needs, the parent observing and interpreting those needs, and then taking action to address them, especially during moments of distress when the child is overwhelmed.

The focus is on how attuned the caregiver is to understand the child's cues, both physical and emotional. 

 

The Four Qualities of Attachment Theory

1. Secure Parenting

A child's sense of security relies heavily on predictability. Imagine a trampoline: can the child confidently "land and launch" from this caregiver, knowing they'll be caught?

The caregiver becomes a safe base for the child to explore and return to. This security hinges on predictability – does the caregiver show up consistently in their responses?

Why is this crucial? When a child feels safe taking risks, they're more likely to explore, learn, and grow. Jumping on a trampoline represents taking a risk. If the child doesn't know if the caregiver will be there to catch them, they become hesitant. Imagine the fear of jumping with no guarantee of a safety net!

Traits of a Secure Parent:

Kind and Firm Boundaries

I put this at the top of the list because kind and firm boundaries are a pillar of security. In my programs, I teach you how to become aware of your own boundaries, the nature of boundaries, how to communicate them, and the purpose behind why children test boundaries. I also cover how to reaffirm those boundaries.

One resource I highly recommend is The Deric Lover's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. They describe boundaries as expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Their Instagram account also provides excellent insights into boundaries and finding security in them.

When we discuss boundaries, it’s crucial to avoid being too fluid or too rigid. Kind and firm boundaries allow children to feel secure. They can push against these boundaries without fear of them moving or causing harm. Parents who consistently and appropriately communicate their boundaries help build this sense of security in their children.

Just today, I discussed with a client how children perform "perimeter checks" during transitions. When a boundary is changed, children will check other boundaries to see what remains the same and what is different. Once they identify these constants, they no longer feel the need to test them, trusting that these boundaries are established and reliable.

Building kind and firm boundaries has been a deep passion of mine because it provides security. I value the stability and predictability they offer. This consistency helps children regulate themselves and feel safe. Consistent follow-through on boundaries is equally important to reinforce this sense of security.

Consistent Follow Through

Consistent follow-through means accountability. In my programs, parents learn the difference between imposed, logical, and natural consequences.

Natural consequences involve the parent holding space for the child's lived experience. For example, not being invited to events is a natural consequence, and the parent's role is to hold space, refer back to established boundaries, and follow through.

Natural consequences might also include feeling hurt by friends' actions or words, not being invited to play, or not sharing toys. As caregivers, consistent follow-through means supporting and validating the child through these experiences without adding more stress.

When a parent relies on consistent follow-through, they avoid looking for retribution or punishment. Instead of asking "What do I do when...?", they focus on whether a choice was made, a boundary was set, and if there was connection and regulation when the limits were established. The caregiver's role is to reflect on their own actions and ensure they are providing a secure environment, leading to true accountability.

Predictable Responses to Stress

Predictable responses to stress are crucial. In programs, we talked about normalizing stress, identifying stress triggers, and helping children navigate through them. Stress is part of the human experience.

There are a lot of "stress-free" solutions sold to us, like stress-free dinners, stress-free tantrums, and stress-free vacations. For me, that's a red flag because stress-free implies non-existence. Stress helps keep us alive, and we need to learn how to navigate and regulate it. Having a caregiver who helps a child navigate through their stresses provides a sense of security.

When stress levels fluctuate, showing up to help children navigate these waves builds their window of tolerance. Tools that build security, which I teach in my programs, include family meetings to address weekly stresses, problem-solving strategies, routines, and agreements. These tools support structure and stability during stressful times. So, in stressful moments, it's important to use these methods to build security.

Emotional Validating

Communicating to others that you see, hear, and understand them.

You can use both verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbally, you might say, "I see you" or "I hear you." Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact and facial expressions, often speaks louder. For example, one person might see a number as a six and another as a nine; this illustrates different perspectives.

Emotional validation involves recognizing and understanding the other person's perspective through both verbal and non-verbal communication. Sometimes, non-verbal communication speaks louder than words. 

Deep Understanding and Empathy

A secure parent deeply understands and empathizes with their child. When exploring emotional intelligence and maturity, we discuss the idea that no emotion is inherently bad. We explore emotional intelligence and maturity, emphasizing that empathy involves perspective-taking, staying out of judgment, and recognizing and communicating the emotions and experiences of others.

Empathy means acknowledging and validating all emotions and experiences. Brené Brown states, "Empathy is the key to connection," while sympathy can lead to disconnection. Instead of saying, "Oh, you poor thing," which can create distance, empathy encourages responses like, "That must have been really hard for you. Tell me about it." This approach invites more open communication and builds trust.

As a secure parent, it's crucial to show up for your child by listening to their experiences without judgment. This helps them feel understood and supported, encouraging them to open up more about their lives.

Invites Children into Decision Making

Invite children into decision-making instead of making decisions for them. When they're younger, their decisions will be simpler, such as what to wear or eat. As they grow older, their decisions will become more complex, like choosing what to learn or which sports to play.

Inside of my programs, we emphasize the importance of decision-making. Choices are powerful, and making decisions helps children learn to select from those choices. We guide children to make informed and helpful decisions for their lives.

We also teach the SODAS process, a specific method for decision-making. By involving children in this process, they build a strong sense of character and personal accountability. It's challenging to be accountable for something you had no part in choosing. Understanding and respecting limits and boundaries becomes easier when children are connected and regulated.

Traits of an Insecure Parent:

Disclaimer: In my work, I assume that you are a good parent who deeply loves your child and is always trying your best. The quality of your relationship with your child is influenced by the tools, strategies, and methods you use, not by the amount of love or effort alone. By approaching this work with an open mind and self-compassion, you can identify areas for improvement and make empowered decisions through awareness and education.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving Boundaries

Insecure parents often struggle with boundaries, either by being too flexible or overly rigid. When boundaries constantly shift, children become confused about what's acceptable, leading to uncertainty and potential resentment. 

Inconsistent Follow Through

Not knowing how to respond when kids make mistakes and showing a preference for punishment. Punishments aim to make kids suffer for their mistakes, leading to feelings of unfairness or rebellion. By focusing on consequences as learning moments, parents can help kids learn and grow without getting stuck in a cycle of punishment.

Unpredictable Responses to Stress

Unpredictable responses to stress can indicate insecurity. Stress can be like a stoplight: green for acute, yellow for episodic, and red for chronic stress, each needing different support.

Acute stress, like preparing for a meeting, needs encouragement. Episodic stress, such as adjusting to a new routine, needs ongoing support. Chronic stress requires significant intervention like therapy. By identifying our stress levels and using adaptive coping strategies, we can manage our responses and maintain stability, helping us become secure caregivers.

Emotionally Invalidating

An insecure parent may emotionally invalidate their child by rejecting, ignoring, or judging their emotional experiences. Emotional invalidation includes blaming the child’s behavior on perceived negative traits, such as calling them a drama queen or overly sensitive when they express frustration. This invalidation makes the child feel unheard and misunderstood.

Invalidation can also occur when parents discourage negative emotions by saying things like "just stay positive" or minimize the child’s achievements and challenges. For example, telling a child that getting an A doesn’t count because it was easy, or calling them lazy for a poor grade. Parents might also downplay obstacles by getting frustrated with simple tasks the child struggles with. Instead, parents should aim to be emotionally validating by leading with connection and helping the child feel seen, safe, and supported.

Lack of Understanding and Empathy

An insecure parent often lacks understanding and empathy. Empathy involves attunement, which means understanding someone else’s experiences and perspectives. Imagine two people: Person A likes blue, and Person B likes green. Misattunement occurs when Person A feels threatened by the difference and tries to convince Person B to like blue too, instead of understanding and accepting their preference.

Makes Decisions for Children

An insecure parent often makes decisions for their children, which can foster entitlement instead of empowerment. Entitlement is the belief that one deserves special treatment, while empowerment is about becoming confident and controlling one's life. In my programs, I highlight how parental entitlement can manifest through bribes, yelling, threats, punishments, and asserting authority with phrases like "I'm the parent."

 

2. Safe Parenting

To be safe means to be free from risk or harm. Think of it like a trampoline: does the child feel secure landing and launching from you? From the parent's point of view, this means being a predictable and consistent caregiver, ensuring the child can take risks knowing they have a safety net.

 

Children need to know their caregivers are reliable. Predictable means they can trust you'll always be there to catch them. Consistent means you'll respond similarly in different situations, helping them feel secure. Lastly, how do you recover from challenges? If you create fear or threat, your child may hesitate to take risks. Instead, aim to build a solid foundation where they can rely on you, even during tough times. This way, they feel safe to explore and come back to you for support.

For everyone, the answer to the question "What makes you feel safe?" will be different. Some might feel safe with a predictable routine, while others need a consistent caregiver who responds reliably to their needs. Some children feel safe when they know they can come back to a calm and understanding parent after taking risks. Understanding and honoring these unique needs helps create a sense of safety tailored to each individual.

According to polyvagal theory, we are always moving between states of safety and threat. When we're calm, responsive, and playful, we're in a state of safety. But when we're stressed, we might react with fight, flight, freeze, or shut down. As parents and caregivers, it's crucial to be a source of calm and support, helping to soothe and regulate our children, rather than escalating the stress.

Ask yourself: Are you being a support or a stressor? Are your actions helping to create calm and safety, or are they making the situation worse? By focusing on creating physical and emotional safety, you help your child feel secure and able to engage positively.

Traits of a Safe Parent

Physical

To create physical safety for your child, you need to meet their basic needs: shelter, sleep, air, protection, clothing, water, food, and play. When these needs aren't met, they don't go away; they remain unmet and affect the child's sense of safety. For example, if your child doesn't get enough sleep, the need for sleep doesn't disappear; it just stays unmet until it is addressed.

It's crucial to understand what makes each person feel safe, as this is deeply personal. An emotionally and physically safe person won't judge others for their needs. Instead of saying, "You shouldn't need this," or "You've had enough," they seek to understand and support those needs.

To establish physical safety, consider what connections, boundaries, and agreements are necessary to ensure both you and your child feel safe and calm. In past generations, meeting these basic needs was often seen as sufficient for good parenting. However, creating a truly safe environment goes beyond just providing food and shelter; it involves understanding and responding to the specific needs of your child.

Emotional

This involves affection and a sense of importance. Emotional safety means your child feels close to you and can share their struggles and vulnerable moments without fear. If they hide or lie, they may perceive punishment or threat. Closeness means they don't censor themselves and feel seen by you.

They know what they like, what they want to wear, and what they want to eat. Especially with strong-willed children, arguing is unproductive. Instead, listen to them and create a space for connection. This prevents you from seeing them as adversaries or feeling the need to dominate or control them.

To foster safety, start with yourself. Ensure you're not seeing your child's choices as threats. For example, if they want to wear something you don't like, don't view it as a challenge. Support their developing sense of self to become a safe parent for them. This approach helps both you and your child feel secure and connected.

 

Social 

Build social safety or think about social safety. When we consider it within a family system, we aim to cultivate a sense of belonging and community. This involves sibling relationships, fostering identity, and practicing empathy. Having a socially safe caregiver models these behaviors. Key aspects of being a socially safe parent include identifying and sharing values. Values underpin everything I do. When rooted in our values, we gain confidence to stand up, make informed decisions, and stand by our choices confidently.

 

Traits of an Unsafe Parent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An unsafe parent can also be characterized by being misattuned, where they struggle to truly understand and respond to their child's emotional experiences. This can manifest as dismissing or invalidating their feelings, such as responding with simplistic solutions like "don't worry, you'll do better next time" to deeper emotional disclosures. This misattunement can leave the child feeling disconnected, unheard, and ultimately unsafe in expressing their true thoughts and emotions within the family dynamic.

Physical

An unsafe parent resorts to threats and bribes to control their child's behavior, triggering fear and compliance through punitive measures like criticism and shame. They may use basic needs such as sleep or privileges as leverage, which escalates defiance and hinders a child's sense of security. Instead of fostering trust and authenticity, they inadvertently cultivate an environment of fear and resentment, where children may feel judged or inadequate, leading to defensive behaviors like withdrawal or rebellion.

Emotional

An unsafe parent is emotionally volatile, resorting to physical actions like spanking or pinching, which escalate defenses and invalidate their child's emotions. They may dismiss or minimize feelings, making the child feel responsible for the parent's emotions. This environment prevents the child from feeling safe to express themselves authentically, potentially leading to internalized beliefs of inadequacy or unworthiness.

Social

An unsafe parent might impose judgments and labels on their child's preferences and abilities, unintentionally boxing them into roles like "the runner" or "the good listener," which can be limiting and frustrating. They may also use phrases like "should have" or "could have," which can make a child feel pressured and inadequate, fearing they'll lose their place in the family if they don't conform. These actions hinder the child's sense of belonging and community within their own family dynamic.

 

3. Soothing Parenting

To be a soothing parent means being a calming presence during times of distress. It involves responding to a child's distress with methods that reduce stress rather than escalate it. This can be compared to soothing oneself by running water on a burn or applying aloe to a sunburn. Instead of exacerbating the child's distress with punishments or disconnection, a soothing parent aims to restore harmony and resolution, fostering an environment where both parent and child can regulate emotions effectively.

A significant aspect of parenting involves understanding both yourself and your child to recognize what triggers moments of distress. Responding effectively allows you to meet your child's needs and build trust in your relationship. When a baby expresses needs through crying or behavior, your role as a parent is to interpret and address those needs sensitively. This process builds trust as you consistently meet their needs, calming them and fostering secure attachment. Misinterpretations can occur when parents are emotionally dysregulated, hindering this cycle and potentially leading to distrust. Therefore, being a soothing parent involves skillfully interpreting and fulfilling your child's needs to nurture a secure and trusting relationship.

 

Traits of a Soothing Parent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be a soothing parent means addressing your child's needs and moments of distress effectively. This involves understanding and catering to all eight senses for comprehensive soothing. It also means providing comfort and reassurance during challenging times, and importantly, fostering confidence by empowering your child to navigate difficulties and grow from them. These approaches create a nurturing environment that promotes trust and security within the parent-child relationship.

Sensory

Sensory awareness in parenting involves understanding and responding to your child's sensory needs across various aspects of daily life. For sight, consider seating arrangements during meals to avoid direct sunlight or glare that could distract or discomfort your child. When it comes to taste, accommodate your child's preferences for textures by offering foods they enjoy, such as crunchy snacks if they prefer tactile stimulation.

Ensure clothing choices are comfortable by selecting soft fabrics without irritating tags or seams, respecting their tactile sensitivities. Create quiet spaces at home for auditory sensitivity, using tools like noise-canceling headphones in noisy environments. Use calming scents like lavender in their environment to soothe and promote relaxation, respecting their olfactory sensitivities.

Incorporate activities like swinging or bouncing to provide vestibular input, aiding their balance and spatial awareness. Integrate activities requiring deep pressure or heavy work, such as carrying groceries, to support proprioceptive needs. Lastly, encourage awareness of internal sensations like thirst and hunger, promoting hydration and balanced nutrition to enhance their interoceptive awareness. By attuning to these sensory aspects, parents can foster environments that nurture their child's comfort, engagement, and overall well-being effectively.

Comfort

Being a soothing parent involves several elements, including comfort, compassion, empathy, and validation. Compassion means recognizing and responding to suffering by taking action to alleviate it, without judgment or pity. It's about understanding someone's experience, like empathizing with someone having a headache affecting their ability to meet your needs. Empathy goes further by stepping into another's perspective, feeling what they feel, and communicating understanding without taking on their emotions as your own. Validation, on the other hand, acknowledges and accepts someone's internal experience as valid, enhancing emotional closeness and trust. It's crucial in parenting to validate children's feelings and actions, like acknowledging anger without condoning harmful behavior, which fosters a secure and supportive environment where children feel understood and valued.

Confidence

A soothing parent also involves instilling confidence in your child. Confidence is about the belief that one can rely on someone or something, which builds firm trust over time. Reassurance plays a critical role in this process by providing verbal or physical support when a child faces stress or uncertainty. Whether it's a toddler seeking a thumbs-up before trying something new or someone seeking validation for their worries, reassurance communicates, "I'm here for you, you're safe." Through consistent responses to their needs, interpreting and fulfilling them, parents build trust. This trust forms a secure foundation in the parent-child relationship, where mistakes are acknowledged as part of learning, fostering a sense of security and resilience over time. It's about the ongoing process of meeting needs, building trust, and reassuring children that they are supported and understood.

 

Traits of a Unsoothing Parent

Judgment

Judgment in parenting involves forming opinions based on thoughts, feelings, and evidence, often influenced by our own beliefs and interpretations. These judgments can manifest as labels within relationships, leading to conditions and disconnect. When we label our children's behaviors or traits—such as questioning why they act, dress, or eat a certain way—it can create a sense of isolation and misunderstanding. This labeling can also extend to family dynamics, where children might feel categorized as the "good" or "bad" sibling or parent, leading to feelings of exclusion or inequality. These judgments and labels can impact how children perceive themselves and their place within the family, potentially affecting their self-esteem and relationships with others. Therefore, being aware of our judgments and striving to understand and accept our children's individuality can foster a more supportive and connected family environment.

Criticism

Criticism often leads to discomfort and disconnection in relationships. According to Steven Stosny Ph.D in "The Anger in the Age of Entitlement," criticism acts as an ego defense mechanism. We tend to criticize not just because we disagree with a behavior or attitude, but because we feel devalued by it. This can lead to a cycle of judgment and criticism that impacts children deeply. Criticizing grades, work, or personal expressions can make children feel they must meet certain expectations to be valued and loved. This can create feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, and foster defense mechanisms, blame, and power struggles. Instead, constructive feedback, collaboration, and self-reflection promote a supportive environment. By being mindful of our judgments and offering compassionate, constructive feedback, we can help children feel valued and understood, rather than criticized and belittled.

Invalidation 

Invalidation involves denying, rejecting, or dismissing someone's feelings, often with the best of intentions. Many of us were raised with invalidating parents and teachers, making it a challenge to break this cycle. For example, if a child falls after being warned and begins to cry, telling them "You're okay, it's not that bad, stop crying" is a subtle form of invalidation. The child's emotional experience is dismissed, causing confusion and further distress. They feel that their pain is not acknowledged, which can lead to feelings of isolation and inferiority.

 

3. Seeing Parenting

 

Being a seeing parent means being present both physically and emotionally, counteracting the impact of loneliness that many children feel. This involves being aware of your child's inner experiences and responding to them in meaningful ways. It's about being there to see and understand their emotions, ensuring they feel supported and connected.

Many of us had emotionally absent parents who didn't notice or respond to our feelings, which can lead to feelings of isolation. By being present and emotionally available, you can provide the support and comfort your child needs, fostering a secure and intimate relationship.

This means actively listening, validating their feelings, and being a consistent source of reassurance and empathy. Showing up in this way helps your child feel seen, understood, and valued, reducing feelings of loneliness and enhancing their emotional well-being.

 

Traits of a Seeing Parent

Now, apply this concept to your relationship with your child. Being a seeing parent means showing up in ways that build trust and security. When a child has a need—whether it's for shelter, sleep, food, or comfort—they communicate it through their behavior. As a parent, it's crucial to observe, interpret, and respond accurately to these needs.

Being present physically and emotionally means recognizing and validating your child's experiences. It involves actively listening, providing reassurance, and empathizing with their feelings. This creates a secure environment where your child feels understood and valued, fostering a strong, trusting relationship.

Physically

Being present in a physical sense means spending face-to-face time with your child. It’s about literally being there so they can see you and know you're present. This means showing up and investing quality time. For example, you might play video games with them, even if it’s not your favorite thing, but it’s something they love. It’s about getting to know them by doing activities they enjoy.

Being a 'seeing' parent means focusing on the positive, but it doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. It’s about saying, 'Hey, I see you really like this. Let’s do it together. Are you open to spending this time with me?' This shows you're investing quality time with them.

It also means showing up for their events, like sports or music performances. When they say, 'I want to show you something,' it’s important to be there, present and without distractions. That might mean putting your phone away, prioritizing the time, and making sure you can fully show up when you say you will.

Lastly, being a 'seeing' parent means knowing their preferences. Know what their favorite color is, what foods they like or don’t like. Show up in ways that say, 'I hear you.' If they don’t like wearing dresses, let them wear pants. If they don’t want to wear a coat, acknowledge that. It’s about understanding things from their perspective and being physically present in ways that matter to them.

Emotionally

Being an emotional parent means cultivating the qualities of empathy, validation, and sensitivity in your relationship with your child. Empathy allows you to step into your child's world and truly understand their feelings and experiences. It's about connecting with their emotions and showing that you genuinely care, which helps build a deeper, more trusting bond.

Validation is the next step, where you acknowledge and accept your child's feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. This act of recognizing their emotions reinforces their sense of worth and helps them feel understood and supported. When you validate your child's experiences, you're telling them that their emotions are real and important, which boosts their self-esteem and encourages open communication.

Sensitivity ties it all together by being attuned to your child's needs, especially in moments of distress. It means noticing when they're struggling and offering the right kind of support. By responding with empathy and validation, you help your child navigate their emotions in a safe and supportive environment. Being a seeing parent means you’re not just physically present, but emotionally in tune, creating a space where your child feels seen, heard, and valued.

 

Traits of a Unseeing Paren 

Physically

An unseeing parent is someone who, often unintentionally, becomes disconnected from their child's emotional needs due to being distracted, overextended, or uninvolved. Distraction can come from modern-day interruptions like phones and constant notifications. While these distractions might seem small, they can pull a parent away from being fully present, making the child feel unseen. Establishing boundaries, like limiting phone use during family time, can help a parent stay connected and focused.

Overextension occurs when a parent is stretched too thin by various responsibilities—work, social obligations, and more. This constant busyness leaves little time for meaningful interactions with their child. Even though these commitments are important, they can result in a parent being physically absent during critical moments, leading to a feeling of emotional distance. It's crucial to prioritize quality time over quantity, ensuring that even short moments together are meaningful and connected.

Finally, being uninvolved happens when a parent is simply not there when their child needs them. Whether it's missing an important event or not engaging in their child's interests, this absence can deeply affect a child's sense of worth and belonging. However, it's important to recognize that life happens, and sometimes missing events is unavoidable. The key is to focus on repair and reconnection—acknowledging the missed moments and making a conscious effort to rebuild trust and presence moving forward. Being an unseeing parent isn't about intentional neglect, but rather a call to become more mindful, present, and involved in your child's life.

Emotionally

An unseeing parent often becomes emotionally absent by defaulting to defensiveness, invalidation, and avoidance. When you become defensive, you might react to a child’s feelings or conflicts with immediate justifications or excuses, shutting down any possibility of open communication. This defensiveness creates a barrier, making it difficult for your child to feel understood or valued. Instead of leaning into the discomfort and exploring your child’s perspective, you may focus on defending your own actions, leaving your child’s emotional needs unmet.

Invalidation occurs when you dismiss or correct your child’s expressed feelings or thoughts, effectively telling them that their inner experience is incorrect or unimportant. For example, if your child says they dislike something and you immediately contradict them by saying, "No, you love that," your child’s feelings are invalidated. This response can make your child feel unseen and unheard, fostering a sense of emotional isolation rather than connection.

Avoidance is another common behavior in emotionally absent parenting, where you might sidestep uncomfortable situations or emotions instead of addressing them. Whether it's brushing off your child's tears after a fall with a quick, "You're fine, shake it off," or ignoring a deeper emotional need, avoidance sends the message that your child's emotions are too much to handle. Over time, this avoidance can teach your child to suppress their feelings, believing that their emotions are unwelcome or burdensome.

In all these instances, your child learns that their emotional world is not a priority, leading to feelings of invisibility and disconnection. Overcoming these tendencies involves becoming more aware of these reactions and making a conscious effort to engage with your child’s emotions with curiosity, validation, and presence.

You might have expereinced this kind of parent growing up, it sucks and you might think to yourself well I am doing it differently. The question we have to ask is "Are you truly doing it differently?" 

 

When You Might Think You’re Doing Things Differently from Your Parents

A former client of mine, Bridget, had a story that perfectly captures the challenge many parents face when trying to break cycles from their own upbringing. I want to share Bridget’s story with you, and as we’re at the end of our series on feeling safe, seen, soothed, and secure, I encourage you to listen for these themes in her experience.

Meet Bridget:

Bridget is a devoted mom. Married with three children, she works as a teacher and is an avid soccer mom. Her life revolves around her kids, and she has built her identity around being the best mom she can be. But when Bridget came to me, she was struggling. Despite all her efforts, she found herself in constant power struggles with her teenage daughter. She was frustrated, disheartened, and increasingly resentful.

Bridget couldn’t understand why her daughter was so disrespectful and ungrateful, especially when she had given everything for her. She would leave work early to attend her daughter’s events, made sure she had the right gear, and was always there, present and supportive. Yet, her daughter kept pushing her away, saying things like, “You’re not listening to me,” or “You’re doing too much.” Bridget was at a loss—she was doing everything she thought was right, so why was her daughter still so unhappy?

Digging Deeper:

As we worked together, we uncovered a deeper layer of Bridget’s story. Growing up, Bridget also played soccer and repeatedly asked her mom to come to her games. But her mom was rarely there. Whether it was work, other siblings, or just being too tired, her mom always had a reason not to show up. Bridget felt alone, believing that her mom’s absence was about her, that maybe she wasn’t important enough.

Determined to do things differently, Bridget vowed that her daughter would never feel that way. She would be there for everything—no exceptions. But what Bridget didn’t realize was that while she changed the details, she was unknowingly following the same emotional blueprint as her mother.

The Same System, Different Details:

Bridget’s daughter wasn’t asking her to come to more soccer games—she was asking for something else. She was asking for space, for balance, and for her mom to listen to her needs. But just like Bridget’s mother had dismissed her requests, Bridget was dismissing her daughter’s, even though it was for the opposite reason. Where her mom had said, “I can’t,” Bridget was saying, “I must.” Yet, the result was the same: her daughter felt unsafe, unseen, unsuited, and insecure.

Bridget was blind to the impact of her actions because she was so focused on doing things differently. She didn’t realize that she was still operating from the same system—the same set of beliefs, fears, and emotional responses that had shaped her own childhood. This is a common trap: when we try to change just the behavior without examining the underlying system, we often end up recreating the same dynamics, just in a different form.

Breaking the Cycle:

Once Bridget recognized this pattern, she began to understand that her daughter wasn’t being ungrateful or disrespectful—she was self-advocating. Bridget realized that her daughter was trying to communicate her needs, but she had been too caught up in her own story to really listen.

With this new awareness, Bridget started to shift her approach. Instead of just showing up at every event, she began to ask her daughter what she really needed. They worked together to find a balance that allowed her daughter to feel both supported and independent.

The Tools of Change:

Bridget learned to use tools like validation, empowerment, and repair. These were tools she hadn’t realized were missing from her toolbox before. By validating her daughter’s feelings, empowering her to make decisions, and repairing any emotional rifts, Bridget was able to rebuild their relationship in a way that made her daughter feel truly seen, heard, and valued.

This process wasn’t easy—it required Bridget to change her behavior, which is what we often ask of our children. But through this work, she began to see that her daughter wasn’t pushing her away out of defiance; she was actually reaching out, hoping to be understood.

The Bigger Picture:

When we try to change only the surface-level behaviors, we might exhaust ourselves doing things differently, yet achieve the same outcomes. It’s only when we change the system—the underlying beliefs, thoughts, and emotional responses—that we can truly break free from these cycles. This is the foundation of the work I do: helping parents become secure caregivers so that their children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.

Bridget’s story is a powerful reminder that parenting isn’t just about doing things differently; it’s about understanding the deeper needs of your children and being willing to do the internal work to meet those needs. As you reflect on this series, consider how you can use these insights to create a more connected and supportive relationship with your children.